I don't know how long the video will be public, but view - they are hillarious.
Suggested by Mike, who found the transcript (which I will post in full in the comments) on this site (you can see the video there as well, just click on the ad)
Part 1
Part 2
Skit
"I copy that" is walkie-talkie talk for - I understand, will do, gotcha, ok, alright, yup, uh-huh, and much more depending on the inflection of the voice.
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May
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3 comments:
STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've
been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof
S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14
other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To
actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be
this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You
know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough.
Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.
The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at
their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers.
Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith,
ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr.
President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to
celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it.
We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the
factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the
truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve
endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I
know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true.
That's cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our
nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I
speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by
rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a
copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that
I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut
tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the
Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to
see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in
democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until
China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a
unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our
Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the
government that governs best is the government that governs least. And
by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is
possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was
magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone
has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I
believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your
personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe
it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32%
approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls.
We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what
people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal
bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the
glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your
jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the
glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still
some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last
third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't
believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a
lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this
case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the
world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in
this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me,
Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay
down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the
end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man
who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the
approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this
man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68%
approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things.
Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers
and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong
message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound
-- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very
forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch
cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative
energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife,
calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true
lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan
of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean,
they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't
happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914?
If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American!
I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he
stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday,
no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs
never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am
appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying
America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides
of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping
or secret prison
who invites an obviously liberal comic to a conservative party?
"As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am
appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying
America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides
of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side."
Brilliant.
YES!!!! FINALLY!!!
Thank you for posting this!
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